Psychological hacks

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Facing death

Life is too precious to be wasted on fear of dying!


I am writing this piece due to several of my friends facing dangerous health conditions and reduced life expectancy. I hope my experience helps them and others in dealing with the situation. I thought that by telling my own story, I may be able to reach them better.


It was mid-2014, when it became obvious that my ever-escalating health issues are not due to my weak immune system allowing various mysterious infections that couldn’t be identified. After years of misdiagnosis and being treated against viral and bacterial infections, of which the very viral and bacterial agents couldn’t be found, an immunologist at the SOS Hospital in Jakarta came up with a theory: It could be an immune reaction that is causing my fast deteriorating health condition due to sustained attacks by my immune system gradually destroying my internal organs. I had suffered and endured years of agony by then.


By end of 2014 it was official. The diagnosis was confirmed by several specialists. I was suffering from an aggressive, genetic, incurable and eventually terminal Organ Non-Specific Autoimmune Disease. There was not much that could be done, other than trying to slow down the deterioration by suppressing my immune system with horrible side effects caused by the very immune suppression therapy. I had to stop working, lock myself up for months and months, so to avoid further infections, since my immune system was being dialed down to a minimum. I had sustained severe damages of internal organs and neural system, and my life expectancy was estimated to be 2 years or less.


Knowing about my condition, and the little time left to do all the things that I had set out to do in life caused tremendous anger in me. I was simply angry with myself for not having secured my loved ones enough, not being able to deliver on promises that I had given, and worst of all, knowing how difficult my departure would be for my wife, family and friends. I started to seclude myself and push everyone away forcefully, so that my eventual departure may not hurt them too much. After all, who cares for an angry and unpleasant guy dying, right?


It wasn’t the fact that I was dying that bothered me. The side effects of the various medications were wearing me down. The ever-present pain and sporadic loss of sensory abilities, impaired vision and waning control over my arms and legs aggravated my anger and frustration. I was never weak, always active and up for ever bigger challenges in life. I didn’t like myself being so weak and devastated. My anger ebbed in ever-repeating phases of depression and despair, severely impacting my psychological and emotional balance.


After a year of mental paralysis and being conflicted at my core, one day I decided to face my demons and put up a fight, seeking strength and endurance from our Lord, while praying for my loved ones’ health, peace and happiness.


My planned path to recovery started with a day of fasting and reflection, followed by a day of deep and earnest prayers & meditation upon which I decided to stop taking my medication and stand up to my disease. I started working again, travelling and enduring all symptoms without complaining. The most important thing in my life had become my work, so I doubled down and accelerated as much as I could. The stress of working hard and trying to catch up with the unfinished work started triggering more symptoms. I chose to ignore all and press on before my time is up. Yet, my overdrive found its abrupt end in March 2017, when my joints were being attacked and the resulting inflammation starting to cause damage to my nerves in my hands, arms, shoulders and legs. I couldn’t function much, and was inpatient and in bad mood most of the time. I decided to equally ignore the worsening condition and work whenever I had a good few hours or days. Those windows of opportunity started getting shorter and shorter, and gradually the symptoms overwhelmed me.


August 2017, I was worn down by months of agony and side effects of anti-inflammatory agents and pain killers. I decided to surrender to my fate. I was now at peace again, for I had succumbed to my foe; my own immune system, and it being dead-set on killing us both, just like an unstoppable self-destruct sequence in science fiction movies.


I turned to my brethren in my Order and informed them of the peril and the fact that I can’t be counted on to continue our efforts in Asia Pacific, and that they needed to replace me. There it was for the first time; I had finally admitted to myself and my peers that I am weak, helpless and not the indestructible solid rock that everyone always saw in me. I talked to two senior brethren of the order and to my surprise, both told me that I can be fixed within a couple of weeks, no matter what the Doctors think or say. They equally reminded me that faith is the only lasting remedy. My brethren sent me a little bottle with a tincture, blessed by prayers of our brethren in the monastery. In addition, thousands of brethren around the world started holding chain prayers for my recovery, and asking me to do the same and turn to the Lord for healing. I did so, although I usually try not to ask of the Lord anything for myself, for I am so much better off than most fellow humans on this planet. Besides, the Lord had already bailed me out so many times in the past. I had survived numerous deadly accidents, persecution, and conflicts around the world. I had seen and experienced more in life than a thousand ordinary lives would yield to. I was sure of having no more credit left with the Divine.


It is now December 2017, way past the expiry date of my body as per the initial prognosis. My joints and nerves have recovered to the point of me being able to go on Mountain Biking tours in the beautiful mountains of Bali. Mind and soul are at peace and in sync. I am no longer playing catching-up with life. I realize now that the stress, the anger and the resulting depressions were major factors of my ever-deteriorating condition. I also realize and am re-experiencing the true power of prayers and faith.


The unconditional love of my wife and her very pragmatic way of dealing with my situation, her tireless and strict nursing and taking care of me for a year without a break, the love and support of my family, my friends and the entire Order lifted my spirit to a point of being able to fight the demons of remorse & desolation, enabling me to put my faith in the Lord without any reservations and doubts, yet not forgetting that I need medical care, whenever the situation may escalate again. Realism, pragmatism, and most important of all faith in the Lord are now my weapons in the battle against my demons.


I often remind myself of the Iranian proverb: A coward dies a thousand deaths a day. A brave man dies only once, and that with pride and in dignity. I choose to be the latter.


Life is worth living, no matter how short or long. Just dare and embrace life today for tomorrow is another day. Face your demons and be at peace with yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes and failures of the past, and forgive all others who have wronged you and be positive and forward looking. Let go of the poisonous feelings and thoughts in your mind and soul. Fight a day at the time. Have faith in your own God given abilities to heal yourself, and keep up your faith in a Higher Being, be it God, Universe or whatever else you desire. Faith is important.


I am not dead, neither sick and nor plan to leave this realm any time soon, unless my Lord and King summons me. I dare to live. Every day is a blessing, and no matter how the day ends, I embrace the fact that I live to fight another day.


I live to defy all odds, to press on and fight on. One battle at a time. No matter what comes my way, I am determined to make my life count by contributing to the betterment of my fellow humans and our planet.


I lost my fear, abandoned my insecurities, and chased away my arrogance, and replaced them with my faith in the Lord, and belief in my own God given abilities to handle whatever challenge may come my way.


For the Lord is my shepherd and I lack nothing.


PS: Please don't pity me, for there is nothing to pity. I lived and still live to the fullest. Those dear ones that know me since my childhood know best, it takes a lot more to put down this crazy black sheep than this little bump in the road.






Daniel Ansari